{"id":1311,"date":"2020-10-19T16:52:47","date_gmt":"2020-10-19T16:52:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/levangandassociates.com\/newsite\/?page_id=1311"},"modified":"2020-11-23T00:54:28","modified_gmt":"2020-11-23T00:54:28","slug":"difficult-conversations","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/levangandassociates.com\/?page_id=1311","title":{"rendered":"Difficult Conversations"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Difficult Conversations<\/strong>
By Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project<\/em>

Each difficult conversation is really three conversations

\u2022 The\u00a0What happened?<\/q>\u00a0conversation. This is where most difficult conversations land. Who is right, who is to blame, who did what, etc.

\u2022 The\u00a0feelings<\/q>\u00a0conversation. Each conversation asks and answers conversations about feelings. What to do with angry, hurt, and\/or disappointed feelings.

\u2022 The\u00a0identity<\/q>\u00a0conversation. This is an internal conversation we have with ourselves about what the situation means to us. Are we good, bad, incompetent? This internal conversation can leave us off balance or anxious.

THE WHAT HAPPENED CONVERSATION<\/strong>
The\u00a0truth<\/q>\u00a0assumption. The whole stance of this argument is,\u00a0I am right, you are wrong.<\/q>\u00a0The intention intervention.\u00a0You did this because….\u00a0<\/q>We assume intentions from another\u2019s behavior and regularly leap to unfounded assumptions that can be devastating. The\u00a0blame<\/q>\u00a0frame. We look for fault which produces disagreement, denial, and little learning.

THE FEELINGS CONVERSATION<\/strong>
Difficult conversations are not just about what happened, they also involve emotions. Such conversations do not just involve feelings; they are at the very core of feelings.

THE IDENTITY CONVERSATION:<\/strong>\u00a0WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME?
As you begin to see the implications of the conversation for your self-image, you may begin to lose your balance.

MOVING TOWARD A\u00a0LEARNING CONVERSATION<\/q><\/strong>
By understanding the complexities and the challenges inherent in conversations you can appreciate the reality of joint contributions to the problem, the central role of feelings, and what the issues mean to each person\u2019s self-esteem and identity. Instead of wanting to persuade and get your way, you can move toward understanding what has happened from the others point of view, share and understand feelings, and work together to figure out a way to manage the problem going forward. This stance invites the other person into the conversation with us, to help us figure things out.

THE\u00a0WHAT HAPPENED?<\/q>\u00a0CONVERSATION<\/strong>
\u2022 We think they are the problem. They are selfish, naive, controlling, and irrational.
\u2022 They think we are the problem.

We don\u2019t see ourselves as the problem because we make sense. We don\u2019t notice the ways which our story of the world is different from others\u2019 view. These differences are precisely where our stories collide. They and we assume the collision is because of how the other person is. In reality the collision is the result of our stories simply being different, with neither of us realizing it.

1. Why we see the world differently. We notice different things. The story of the 4 year old seeing trucks. We each know ourselves better than anyone else can.
2. We have different interpretations. We are influenced by past experiences. We apply different implicit rules. We all have a life script that tells us how the world works, how people should act, or how things are supposed to be. And they have a significant influence on the story we tell. Our conclusions reflect self-interest. We look for information to support our view and give that information the most favored status.
3. Move from certainty to curiosity. Ask yourself,\u00a0How can they think that? I wonder what information they have that I do not.<\/q>\u00a0Instead of,\u00a0How can they be so irrational and stupid?<\/q>\u00a0Get curious. It is hard to stay curious when you are the only one telling the story. Do not choose between two stories, embrace them both.
4. Accept the AND STANCE. This allows you to recognize that you each see things that matter and different things matter to each of you. To move forward, first understand where you are.

DISENTANGLE INTENT FROM IMPACT:<\/strong>\u00a0Do not assume they meant it.

First mistake: Our assumptions about intentions are often wrong

\u2022 We assume intentions from the impact on us. We assume the worst.
\u2022 We treat ourselves more charitably. When your husband forgets the milk, he is irresponsible.
\u2022 When you forget to pick up the dry cleaning, you\u2019re overworked and stressed. \u2022 We assume bad intentions mean bad character. Once we assume they are bad, we then see all of their actions through the lens of these glasses. Accusing them of bad intentions creates defensiveness.\u00a0What did I do to make you walk all over me like this?<\/q>\u00a0Attributions can become self-fulfilling.

Second mistake: Good intentions don\u2019t sanitize bad impact.

\u2022 We don\u2019t hear what they are really trying to say. When we say,\u00a0You hurt me,<\/q>\u00a0there are two messages,\u00a0I know what you intended and I feel hurt.<\/q>\u00a0We often focus on the first and skip the second. Why? Because we need to defend ourselves.
\u2022 We ignore the complexity of human emotions.

AVOIDING THE TWO MISTAKES:<\/strong>
Disentangle the impact and intent. Ask yourself 3 questions.
\u2022 Actions-what did the person actually say or do?
\u2022 Impact-what was the impact on me?
\u2022 Assumption-based on the impact, what assumption am I making about the other persons intentions.

Hold your view as a hypothesis.
\u2022 Once you have clearly answered these questions, consider this an hypothesis and share the impact on you and inquire about their intentions.
\u2022 Listen for feelings and reflect on your intentions.
\u2022 Start by listening and acknowledging their feelings and then return to the question of intent.
\u2022 Be open to reflecting on the complexity of your intentions. Try to avoid the tendency to say,\u00a0My intentions were pure.<\/q>

ABANDON BLAME:<\/strong>\u00a0MAP THE CONTRIBUTION SYSTEM
Blame is a prominent issue in most difficult conversations. Who is the bad person? Who made the mistake? Who should apologize?

Focusing on blame is a bad idea because it inhibits our ability to learn what\u2019s really causing the problem and to do anything meaningful to correct it. The urge to blame is based on a misunderstanding of what the issues are and even more importantly a fear of being blamed.

DISTINGUISHING BLAME FROM CONTRIBUTION<\/strong>
At heart, blame is about judging while contribution is about understanding. Blame is about judging and looks backward.

Who is to blame asks 3 questions.
1. Did this person cause the problem?
2. If so, how should this person be judged against some standard of conduct? Is the person unethical, incompetent, or unreasonable?
3. If the judgment is negative, how should they be punished? Should they be yelled at, warned, fired, or divorced?

When we say\u00a0This was your fault,<\/q>\u00a0we give condemning answers to all three questions. Namely,\u00a0You caused this, you did something bad, and you need to be punished.<\/q>\u00a0When blame is in play, expect defensiveness, because we are offering them the role of\u00a0The accused.<\/q>\u00a0The accused defend themselves and mutual finger pointing turns nasty.

Contribution is about understanding and looks forward.
The first question is \u201cHow did we each contribute to bringing about the current situation?\u201d The second question is \u201cHaving identified the contribution system, how can we change it and move forward?\u201d Its goal is to understand what actually happened and find a way to move forward.

COSTS OF THE BLAME FRAME<\/strong>
1. When blame is the goal, understanding is the casualty
2. Focusing on blame hinders problem-solving.
3. Blame can leave a bad system undiscovered.
BENEFITS OF UNDERSTANDING CONTRIBUTION<\/strong>
1. Contribution conversations are much less difficult ones.
2. Contribution encourages learning and change.

Three misconceptions about contribution:

Misconception #1:<\/strong>I should focus only on my contribution.<\/q>\u00a0Finding your contribution does not in any way negate the other person\u2019s contribution as it took both of you to get into the situation.
Misconception #2:<\/strong>\u00a0Putting aside blame means putting aside my feelings. As you and the other person look at how you each have contributed to the problem, sharing your feelings is essential to the process.
Misconception #3:<\/strong>\u00a0Exploring contribution means\u00a0blaming the victim.<\/q>\u00a0Looking for joint contribution is not about blame of any kind. That is why Nelson Mandela did the truth trials to help people take responsibility for their problems, both blacks and whites.

FINDING YOUR SHARE OF THE CONTRIBUTION<\/strong>
\u2022 Avoiding until now. The most common contribution to the problem is the simple act of avoidance.
\u2022 Being unapproachable.
\u2022 Intersections. These are the simple differences between peoples\u2019 backgrounds, preferences, communication styles, and assumptions about relationships.

MAP THE CONTRIBUTION SYSTEM<\/strong>
Make a list. What are they contributing? What am I contributing? Who else is involved? Start by taking responsibility for your contribution.

FEELINGS CONVERSATION<\/strong>
Feelings matter: They are often at the heart of the difficult conversations. Unexpressed feelings leak into the conversation. Unexpressed feelings make it difficult to listen. Unexpressed feelings take a toll on our self-esteem and relationships.

A WAY OUT OF THE FEELINGS BIND<\/strong>
Explore your emotional footprint. How did your family handle emotions? Which feelings did they discuss easily and which emotions did they pretend did not exist? What feelings do you now find easy or difficult to express?
\u2022 Accept that feelings are normal and natural.
\u2022 Recognize that good people have bad feelings.
\u2022 Learn that your feelings are as important as theirs.
\u2022 Do not let hidden feelings block other emotions. Do species stance.

Love:<\/strong>\u00a0affection, caring, close, proud, passionate
Anger:<\/strong>\u00a0frustration, exasperation, rage, indignation
Hurt:<\/strong>\u00a0let-down, betrayed, disappointed, needy
Shame:<\/strong>\u00a0embarrassment, guilt, regret, humiliation, self-loathing
Fear:<\/strong>\u00a0anxious, terror, worry, helplessness
Self-doubt:<\/strong>\u00a0inadequacy, unworthy, inept, unmotivated
Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0happy, enthusiasm, elation, contentment
Sadness:<\/strong>\u00a0bereft, wistful, joyless, depression
Jealous:<\/strong>\u00a0envious, selfish, covetous, anguish, yearning.
Gratitude:<\/strong>\u00a0appreciative, thankful, relief, admiration, blessed
Loneliness:<\/strong>\u00a0desolation, abandonment, emptiness, longing

Find the feelings lurking under attributions, judgments, and accusations. Lift the lid on attributions and judgments. We translate our feelings into:
\u2022 Judgments\/Attributions:\u00a0Why were you trying to hurt me?<\/q>
\u2022 Characterizations:\u00a0You\u2019re selfish.<\/q>
\u2022 Problem-solving:\u00a0The answer is for you to call me more often.<\/q><\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut elit tellus, luctus nec ullamcorper mattis, pulvinar dapibus leo. Difficult ConversationsBy Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project Each difficult conversation is really three conversations \u2022 The\u00a0What happened?\u00a0conversation. This is where most difficult conversations land. Who is right, who is to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"elementor_header_footer","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-1311","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/levangandassociates.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1311","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/levangandassociates.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/levangandassociates.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/levangandassociates.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/levangandassociates.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1311"}],"version-history":[{"count":16,"href":"https:\/\/levangandassociates.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1311\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2249,"href":"https:\/\/levangandassociates.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1311\/revisions\/2249"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/levangandassociates.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1311"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}